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The return of Tegank
Hey all, it has been a while since I last wrote anything on Heroeshearth, or streamed, or played video games online in general. Over the past few months I have had countless messages reaching out to me, asking if I'm okay, wishing me well and questions of whether I'm ever going to stream again. To start off with, yes I am going to be returning to streaming (very shortly), in case you only came to this blog post to find that out you are more than welcome to leave now, because the rest will be filled with my life story for the past year. I am currently in the process of moving house (which I will get onto later), my PC is entirely set up - I just need a few extra things to make the stream room look, homely. I'm hoping to get back into streaming, if all goes well, within the next week or two... so watch this space. 

If you're still here to hear my story, I wanted to let you know where on earth I have been. Although I didn't go completely offline (that being, I was still tweeting, uploading posts to instagram and updating my patreon), I did choose to back away from streaming, discord and anything that involved directly interacting with people. The reason I made this choice was because  was going through a very rough period of my life and didn't want anyone to see me struggling, I still wanted to stream and have dearly missed my online friends and my audience, but I hope that most of them will understand. I've spoken about it a bit online but for the best part of my teenage years and early adulthood I have suffered terribly with severe depression and anxiety (which was not diagnosed until I was 19). I hit a very hard period in January this year where I was suffering terribly with depression and anxiety, I wasn't myself at all and struggled to enjoy time with friends, go to work, or look after myself. In this time I was still streaming infrequently and trying my best despite feeling pretty awful. It was around this time I announced on twitter that I was having a hard time and to my surprise so many people started reaching out to me, people I didn't regularly interact with reached out to me, friends started messaging me more often to check I was alright or whether I needed a chat. I had felt alone for months, I knew other people suffered with these disorders but what I didn't realise was that people, online especially, were so happy to speak about it and willing to listen. So thank you to everyone who reached out, you have no idea how much it helped at such a low point in my life. 

In February of 2019 I became single after a 8 year long relationship, it was a mutual decision and we are both still close friends but I cannot pretend it was easy for either of us. I spent a long time feeling hurt, feeling like I wasn't good enough and feeling so alone as a result. It was no one's fault, we grew apart after getting together at 15 years old. Suddenly my whole life plan came falling down all around me and I felt like I had been left in the world alone, confused and unsure of what was to come. I streamed for a bit during this time, but I couldn't keep it up because it was so hard to pretend to be happy, I didn't want to be disingenuous and so I had to take some time out for myself to recover and restart my life. To do that, I spent a lot of this time with friends and family, I barely spent an evening at home! I became happy and started feeling like my true self again. I committed a lot of time to some of my favourites hobbies (mainly cosplay and video games) and I felt fulfilled in many ways. 

March and April are a bit of a blur, I streamed a few times on and off but for the most time my time was spent with friends and family still. Unfortunately in April my Nan passed away as a result of ongoing kidney problems. I was hit quite hard by it, as was the rest of my family. Although we were aware of what was going on, you can never really prepare for those kinds of events. My Nan never really understood video games, but she knew I loved them nonetheless and as an 11 year old without internet at home, she let me come to her house at weekends and play Runescape on her laptop. There's a lot I could say about her, so many stories that I want to share, but I just want you to know for now that she was an absolutely amazing woman and I love and miss her dearly. 

I know this blog post seems awfully dark and depressing, but I promise you it does get happier from this point on. During this time, I also started testing out dating for the first time, ever. To be honest, I wasn't very good at it, I downloaded tinder and deleted it immediately because I found it far too intimidating (I tried my best, I swear). My friends were trying to convince me to go to clubs with them and talk to people there, which isn't me at all, I'm incredibly introverted. But then, a boy I had known and become close friends with over the past year asked me out on a date and I said yes! 

I felt like I was ready to start streaming again, and I would've been, but work suddenly became incredibly busy and it wasn't sustainable to stream for 3-5 hours a night, work long and tiring shifts, and maintain a healthy life style. So, for the sake of my own mental and physical health I decided to delay my time coming back to streaming until I was absolutely ready. I believe this has been quite a sensible and safe decision and upon reflection I am glad I've done it because I absolutely needed the time off for my own well being. 

Honestly though, the past few months have been a bit of whirlwind and at the moment I feel like I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. I am committed to my interests and hobbies again - I have been trying to do a cosplay at least once a month and doing that has been an amazing creative outlet for me. I'm also now in an incredible relationship with the boy who asked me out - and I've also moved in with him. It might seem quick to some, which I understand completely, but I've always lived with the idea of doing whatever makes you happy, and this definitely makes me happy. In case you were wondering, Olaf has also moved in too and he is doing really well (still grumpy and hates everyone, but y'kno he's good nonetheless). 

So, tldr, I have had a rough year but I am okay now. I can't stream until everything is set up but I'll probably be ready either this week or next. The Gank is back. 

Thank you for reading this incredibly long post about my life, I'll see you soon with some actual content! 
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