For almost as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from depression. It comes and goes in intensity, but it is a constant presence in my life. I had an experience when I was very young that basically led me to the conclusion that people didn’t care about me per se; they cared about me as a symbol of their own ambitions and concerns. It made the world a cold place. It made me not want to interact with people and I spent a long time living in my own mind. Obviously, I’ve had a lot of experiences in my life to contradict that idea at this point, but as anyone who has struggled with depression knows, it lingers past rational assessment.
There are a lot of things I’d like to do in the Heroes of the Storm community. When I became a coach for GFE it was a big deal for me: the hours I’d put in, thousands of hours playing, watching replays, casting games (over 500 games cast live in 2016) were all validated. Despite all the obstacles, I think I performed well in that role, though looking back on it as a perfectionist who is constantly learning and striving to improve, there was so much more I could have done. But the last three months I did the job without being paid, as did most of the GFE staff who didn’t simply quit. That felt terrible.
I have a lot of issues specifically about money. I’ve been homeless before, through other people’s mismanaging of money and not my own, and worked myself out of that situation. To put in the work and not get paid for it (not that it was a lot of money, given esports in general and HotS in particular) caused a huge mental block for me. My desire to create content vanished. It didn’t feel like the reward for the mental effort and time was there.
People have asked me a lot over the last few months what I’m going to do in the HotS scene now. I still do the HGC Run Down every Wednesday on my Twitch. I do patch notes and PTR streams. But the real answer is: I don’t know. I’ve thought about it a lot and for me, right now, there is just this wall to overcome every time I try to do anything with the game. This article is really just to let people know why I haven’t been writing articles or guides, or making videos, or doing much of anything with Heroes.
I don’t expect it to be permanent but just for now I need to spend time re-finding my motivation for the game. I don’t want to push myself past the point where I don’t even like the game. The community of people around the game and around my channel and discord are something I value very highly. So for those who constantly ask for updates to Art of the Tank, or the release of Gift of Life: I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait a bit longer. Many people have expressed concern for me, some from unexpected quarters, since everything with GFE shook out. So I want everyone to know I’m OK, or at least I think I’m going to be OK.
Thank you to all those who support and have supported me in the community. It means a lot to me to know there are people who really benefit from my work, from Heroes Lounge, NGS, professional players, and people who just love the game. Everything I’ve done till now wouldn’t have been worth it without you and hopefully soon I’ll get be able to get back to it.